Blog Against Sexual Violence
2008 April 3
April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month and April 3 is A Day to End Sexual Violence. As part of that, Marcella is coordinating Blog Against Sexual Violence Day today. This year, the theme for Sexual Assault Awareness Month is Sexual Violence in the Workplace.
Throughout the month of April, I’m hoping to focus more on sexual assault, specifically resources; what you as an individual can do to prevent sexual violence, help victims of sexual violence, and change a culture that fosters sexual violence; and how sexual violence is reported (portrayed/constructed) in mainstream U.S. media. For today, however, I only have this:
I am a sexual assault victim. I am a sexual assault survivor.
It took some time before I was able to think those words. It took some time before I was able to work through the denial and stop dismissing what happened as “not really sexual assault” or “it’s not serious sexual assault.” I didn’t want to think of myself as a victim because I thought it would make me lesser. I didn’t want to acknowledge what my assailant did to me because I knew that if I did, I would lose credibility on the topic of sexual assault in the eyes of most people. I made excuses and tried to dismiss what happened to me because compared to “real” sexual assault, such as rape and murder, it seemed trivial.
In the end, however, I couldn’t shy away from the truth that all of these thoughts and coping mechanisms
- Excused my assailant for forcing himself on me…which necessarily gives him a pass on sexual assault.
- Bought into the idea that only people who’ve never experienced sexual violence can be objective on the topic…which means that the victims, the people with the most experience with sexual violence, the most motivation to stop sexual violence, and the most at stake for fighting sexual violence, will never have a place at the table and our input will never be heard.
- Bought into the idea of “real” and “legitimate” sexual violence…which necessarily means that other forms of sexual violence aren’t really sexual violence and are acceptable.
- Bought into the idea of “real” victims…which necessarily means that other victims are acceptable to attack.
- Bought into the silence around sexual violence…which only perpetuates it.
Sexual violence is pervasive. In the U.S., one out of every six women will be raped at least once. Far more will be victims of sexual assault. I know these figures now, because I’ve gone out and looked up this information. Yet, I didn’t know them for a long time, and I’ve met people who were shocked to hear that the statistics were so high. I believe that the mainstream silence around sexual violence is part of what allows it to flourish, because most people are good, and I think that if they had any idea how rampant sexual violence is, they would be up in arms. Not only feminists, not only victims, not only allies, but everyone. We would recognize all forms of sexual assault as such and not dismiss “lovers’ quarrels,” slaps, bruises, intimidation, gropes, “unwilling” or “nonconsensual” sex, or anything else. We wouldn’t make excuses for them. We wouldn’t contest the idea that individuals should never have their boundaries violated or their bodies touched against their will, and that putting up with some groping, some shouting, some hitting, some raping is not simply the price of living.
An important part of raising awareness of sexual violence is realizing that “one in six” refers not to an abstract mass of anonymous women out in the faceless crowd, but to an actual woman. Probably a woman you know. I knew that one in sex women was a rape victim, but I didn’t realize it bone-deep until close friends told me that they had been raped. This disconnect between knowing the stats and understanding the extent of the violence is why I have to say,
I am a sexual assault victim. I am a sexual assault survivor.
I am a sister, a daughter, a friend, a colleague, a student, a teammate. I am the girl next door, the girl upstairs, the girl downstairs, the woman on the bus, the woman browsing the mystery section and the spice aisle and the butcher’s display, the woman at the symphony, the woman eating at the bar, the woman in line at the post office. I write those words to ask you, how many women do you interact with in one day? How many women do you speak with? How many women do you see? One in six women will be raped at least once in her life. Think about the women you see in one day. I am a real human being and a man sexually assaulted me. We are all real human beings, each and every victim of sexual assault.
I can’t talk about the assault yet. I’ve thought over the words, strung them together inside my head, and I still can’t do it. One day, I hope I’ll be able to. But for now, I will own these words. I have a face, I have a name, I am a person you know, online or in real life, and I am a sexual assault victim. I am a sexual assault survivor. Can you understand that?
Entry Filed under: 2008, activism, feminism, me, sexual assault awareness month. .
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1.
abyss2hope | 2008 April 4 at 4:50 am
Thanks for this post. The idea that those who have experienced sexual violence shouldn’t have a voice in finding solutions to reduce sexual violence is repugnant. It is usually framed as lack of objectivity, but most of the time those who claim to be objective are instead dismissive.
Anyone who is dismissive of the opinions of survivors is not being objective.
2.
Brave Sir Robin | 2008 April 4 at 7:53 am
A beautiful, powerful post.
You are strong, you are smart.
The truths that make up your list are an excellent template for emotional survival no matter the cause of the problem.
I’m so glad I found your site, your’s is a voice that needs to be heard.
Sexual assault takes many forms, educating the public, especially men, that violent rape by a stranger is not the most common form of sexual assault would be a great starting point.
I’m sending you good thoughts.
3.
chimp island | 2008 April 16 at 8:19 am
This is a great and courageous post!
Compare and contrast it with your post “The Joys of being a Korean-American Woman” and your follow-up to my comment in that post.
I don’t know you well enough (or at all except for what I read here) to have mentioned this in a public forum, but I can assure you that your status as a victim was crystal clear to me when I read the earlier post, and only confirmed when I read your follow-up to my comment.
As I noted in my follow-up to your follow-up that you banned last time, there ARE hundreds of women who do NOT live in fear of being on the street as you said. I saved that comment if you decide you want to see it sometime, just drop me an email.
On behalf of the women (and men) you inspired with THIS post, I wish you all the best in your road to shedding the effects of being a victim.
4.
pizzadiavola | 2008 April 16 at 9:02 am
I can assure you that your status as a victim was crystal clear to me when I read the earlier post, and only confirmed when I read your follow-up to my comment.
I think we’re working with different definitions of victim, here. Mine is that someone did something to me. Yours? I don’t know, but it sounds like it carries stereotypical associations of weakness and fear. My ’status’ as a victim means that someone assaulted me. Period. End of story. It’s a fact, it’s not a perpetual state of mind. What do you mean by the “effects of being a victim”? Someone assaulted me, and nothing will ever change, erase, or undo that assault. The point of this post is to reveal the assault and make it visible, to do my part to end the silence around sexual assault. It happened, and it’s never going to go away, much like the way that the fact that I was in a car accident a few years ago is never going to go away. The point of my post is to admit that someone assaulted me, and to claim that rather than trying to hide it away. The silence around sexual assault is what’s pernicious.
There’s nothing to shed about “being a victim”, the effects are of the assault. That may seem like a rhetorical difference, but it matters because “effects of being a victim” places the blame for trauma and the responsibility for avoiding it on the victim. In contrast, “effects of assault” places the blame for trauma and the responsibility for stopping it on the assailant. Do you see the difference?
I never received your follow up comment; feel free to re-post it in the other entry. It should have gone straight through the mod queue to post, because you’ve already been approved to comment here.
Maybe I was unclear before; I never meant to say that every woman has to live in fear. I said that living in fear is part of being a woman because of the realities of violence against women. Some women aren’t aware of it, most women are aware of it, and most women overcome or sideline it in order to live in the public sphere. I’m not saying that every woman must or has to live in fear, but for most of us, it’s an undercurrent in our lives.
5.
chimp.island | 2008 April 28 at 1:40 pm
> I think we’re working with different definitions of victim, here. Mine is that someone did something to me. Yours?
Same.
Of course I wasn’t there when whatever happened to you happened, as you were, but I think we can safely assume I could put a range on the possible things you are talking about - including but hardly limited to sexual abuse, falt out violent rape, combinations, and various other things.
> I don’t know, but it sounds like it carries stereotypical associations of weakness and fear.
Au contraire. It carries with it associations of solid mental health and removal or lessening of effects on your current and future life if it carries any associations at all.
> It’s a fact, it’s not a perpetual state of mind. What do you mean by the “effects of being a victim”?
That you wrote the second sentence there shows you don’t understand yet enough to write the first as a fact instead of an opinion.
I am not assigning “victimhood” to you if that is what you are worried about.
More I am talking about mental health. You are a victim - you said so yourself - and that has consequences to you, sure as participating in and being exposed to violence at war has effects on people.
It need not be that drastic, but I am searching, I hope successfully, for an example where we would both agree one’s experience has effects on mental health (otherwise PTSD e.g. could not exist).
If we find that common ground, then my next point is that on some scale, to an experienced outside observer, you show some signs in your behavior and writing that are classically associated with the trauma you suffered.
Doesn’t mean it is your fault or anything like that, only that one result often follows from the other cause , and you are showing the results.
Given that, I made a mental prediction of the cause, and a few weeks later, without my prompting, you posted pretty much my prediction in your blog.
I don’t say that to pat myself on the back for a guess, only to point out to you that it was not a lucky guess at all.
You don’t have to take my word for it - ask around in your network of folks who handle sexual trauma cases. I am sure you can find an anonymous place or two in SF if you don’t have anyone directly available you can discuss this with.
> and it’s never going to go away,
Of course - I have been a victim of violence too, as I noted. It doesn’t go away, sure, but it need not affect your behavior in a way that results in the experiences you implied in the first post I responded to that you see happen to you all the time.
You indicated there that you feel all women are harassed on the street, and that a very real recourse worth considering is to not go outside.
I can assure you that does NOT happen to everyone, that is NOT the best or even a preferred recourse for anyone, including you, and that you have these things happen over and over, and feel that would be a good option for handling it, is among the prime reasons I suspected what I did.
While no one can make the event as though it never happened, with work, YOU can reduce or even eliminate the unhealthy effects and hold it has on your life.
> The silence around sexual assault is what’s pernicious.
Sure, but go a step further and do something about it in your life.
That you are (as is not uncommon) unwilling to accept when presented, and unaware of the lasting effects of sexual assault is what is most pernicious to me.
> There’s nothing to shed about “being a victim”, the effects are of the assault.
Sure, then shed the effects of the assault. I don’t want to quibble over the terms, I just want you to do it!
> “effects of being a victim” places the blame for trauma and the responsibility for avoiding it on the victim
Absolutely not my intention.
I don’t blame you for being a victim. Whatever happened happened.
I am however aware of a school of political thought that discusses “victimhood” in those terms.
I suspect neither you nor certainly I subscribes to that school of thought.
>I never received your follow up comment; feel free to re-post it in the other entry.
Not sure why - when I posted it originally, it told me something like my IP address was blocked. A while later, I supposed I had a different IP and I tried again. Maybe it was a temp glitch on your server, who knows.
I will dig it up and re-post. Please keep in mind that that was written immediately after your response in that thread and will have no reference to anything later.
> I said that living in fear is part of being a woman because of the realities of violence against women.
I disagree respectfully, and I also suggest respectfully that there are other schools of thought on that. Your preference of which school to subscribe to may be subject to bias based on your experience, just as you will no doubt claim my choice is biased by my experience.
That is fine, I agree everyone carries some bias. I only ask that you seek out and value other schools of thought.
> Some women aren’t aware of it, most women are aware of it, and most women overcome or sideline it in order to live in the public sphere.
Maybe maybe not, but let’s go with that. If most women can over come it - your term, not mine! - then why can’t you?
I promise you if you do, you will not be having the kind of experience you described in the first post.
it will take some work on your part, and it is unfortunate that that additional cost of your assault is imposed on you. But the results will be that your life is better, by however YOU measure it, not by my measures, at some point in time, and then the cost will drop or go away completely.
The alternative is to pay the cost and carry the burden forever, and that is an unfortunate cost to be stuck with too - I know you didn’t ask for it, that is precisely why I think it is best for you (and others in similar situations) to do what it takes to heal.
Please don’t take my word for it. Pick up your phone and call a sexual assault hotline, or someplace similar. Read them everything I have wrote if you want, or tell them your story, or both. I think you find the door I am showing you is a real one, and it is not just a mirage of feminist/anti-feminist politics.
Anyway, I wish you luck.
6.
pizzadiavola | 2008 May 1 at 10:32 am
I’m not sure what’s going on with your comments, because I just checked my spam filter and that one was in there. It may be the format (using “>”), so using quotes or italics (, , with the spaces removed) might avoid the spam filter.
Reading your comment, I think that we’re in agreement on most points but that we’re having difficulties because of how we’re interpreting what the other is writing. Particularly
You indicated there that you feel all women are harassed on the street, and that a very real recourse worth considering is to not go outside.
I can assure you that does NOT happen to everyone, that is NOT the best or even a preferred recourse for anyone, including you, and that you have these things happen over and over, and feel that would be a good option for handling it, is among the prime reasons I suspected what I did.
When I said that the only way to completely avoid street harassment is to not go outside, I was referencing the position of people who put all the onus for avoiding harassment on the victim. It’s clearly a flawed solution, since it’s premised on shutting up women within the household and removing all their independence. It is not a position that I endorse or think is viable and I consider it an unworkable, anti-feminist, sexist failure. I do not advocate that and I take the responses to street harassment that I do in order to show the harassers that their behavior is unacceptable and I won’t accept it as the intimidation it’s meant to be.
The silence around sexual assault is what’s pernicious.
Sure, but go a step further and do something about it in your life.
That you are (as is not uncommon) unwilling to accept when presented, and unaware of the lasting effects of sexual assault is what is most pernicious to me.
I appreciate your concern, but I honestly have no idea what you’re talking about. I’m writing about my experiences here in order to do my tiny part to break the silence about sexual assault and how pervasive it is. I’m not doing it for psychoanalysis; if I weren’t aware of the effects of assault and hadn’t considered my experience thoroughly, I wouldn’t be able to write about it. It’s because I’ve thought about the assault and worked through my issues with it that I feel comfortable laying out the thought processes I had to work through (thanks in no small part to Marcella - great blogger on all things rape- and sexual assault- related) in the hope that it will help raise awareness of sexual assault.
Some women aren’t aware of it, most women are aware of it, and most women overcome or sideline it in order to live in the public sphere.
Maybe maybe not, but let’s go with that. If most women can over come it - your term, not mine! - then why can’t you?
I’m not sure how you’re reaching the conclusions that you are. I think it’s pretty obvious that I go outside and participate in the public sphere–the street, the office, shops, groceries, recreation, etc.–regardless of whether or not I’m harassed. I post about being harassed to show how frequent it is and how it’s possible to respond to it; in my experience, my male acquaintances and acquaintances who for reasons of location or demographics aren’t regularly harassed, are unaware of how frequent street harassment is. I consider calling out street harassment to be important, because ignoring it and accepting it as just part of daily life only enables harassers to continue to harass people.