5 Things
I think I’ll treat “today” flexibly — I tend to make these posts while there’s still some time remaining in the day, so the evening stuff never gets counted. So from now on, I’ll think of “day” as including the bits of the previous day that came after the 5 Things post. Five things that made me happy today/last night:
- SpeakForEquality.org: local SF activists (“some clergy, some electeds, and some other young punks like myself,” according to local activist Kip Williams, via email) have created a petition asking Speaker Nancy Pelosi to take an active leadership role in passing comprehensive civil rights legislation for GLBTQI folks. The petition will be delivered to Pelosi’s office after the health insurance reform passes. Please sign the petition, especially if you live in Pelosi’s district, and spread the word.
- I woke feeling well rested, without the headache, stomachache, and nausea that plagued me last night.
- C and I had a talk last night about him carving out time for us to spend together. It was a rational conversation, one where we listened to each other’s concerns and tried to come up with a mutually acceptable solution. I know that he has a large quantity of work to do every week, and so if we’re going to spend time together, some of that time will necessarily be spent with him doing work and me doing something else. He knows that I’m being understanding but that I would like to spend some of our time together doing stuff together: talking, hanging out, museum exhibits, walks, whatever. It was a reasonable conversation, even though I was sobbing during most of it–proof that being emotional and being rational are not mutually exclusive–and I’m happy with the way we talked through things. It’s so different from the way most conversations of this sort go, particularly with my parents. I spent the whole day feeling sick with anxiety, until I remembered that C is a reasonable, caring person, and it was highly unlikely that he would scream at me or dismiss my feelings. And he didn’t, and we’ve found a way to work things out. It gives me hope that I can break free of the constraints of nature and nurture and have a happy, functional, and honest relationship with another human being.
- C and I talked about carving persimmons like mini jack-o-lanterns!
- Death Star jack-o-lantern
Q & A
PD: why do i always have friends who are selfish shitheads??
AP: *shrugs *
AP: because you have bad taste
AP: HAHAHHA
PD: thank you
Okay, not all of my friends are selfish shitheads. I just need to cut off the ones that are.
5 Things
Drat, all the things that made me happy were things that happened last night. Does that count? I’ll come up with five things that have made me happy so far today and then do give things from yesterday, too.
- It’s a bright, sunny day. Feeling sunlight on my skin is soothing and energizing.
- Cuddling with C this morning. His room feels so much cozier and homier than mine, and I like waking up with him there.
- I have a bright yellow, smiley face stress ball on my desk at work. C’s mom, Ms. C, sent us a Halloween care package, and the stress ball was part of it. I like that it’s bright yellow–such a cheerful color!–and squishy and smiley, and that it’s something thoughtful that Ms. C sent. It makes me think of my own dysfunctional relationship with my parents, and wonder wistfully, why ours couldn’t me more like C’s and his parents’.
- Winter is coming: late mornings, early nights. I’ll miss the sun, but I love the way the city looks at night, cloaked in a dark blue sky. After sunset, the sky shades from black in the east and orange in the west in a swiftly changing gradient.
- I got a seat on BART this morning. W00t!
5 Things
I am in an abnormally foul mood today–not just irritable, but genuinely angry, to the point where I’m half-afraid of spending time with the +1 today because I’m afraid I’ll bite his head off undeservedly. Ergo, I will take a leaf out of Sahiya’s blog and post about five things that made me happy today. It’s only 12:34 P.M. but goddamnit, the whole morning can’t have been a loss.
- Being
ScrabbleLexulous buddies with Sahiya. We play Scrabble! Our chats are interspersed with seemingly random interjections of “yours” (her) and “urs” (me), which is shorthand for “your turn in Scrabble.” Yay wordgames and wordgame buddies! - Technically from yesterday, but it’s still entertaining: TFLN: “(630): all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed.” The punning and the visual! Awesome! Also, I have a special fondness for Oscar the Grouch and his worm friend hanging out in the trash can on Sesame St.
- C, my lovely boyfriend, came home for lunch, and just seeing him made me feel much, much better. And I didn’t take his head off!
- Boss S IMed and said that she had taken care of some scheduling issues. I had been dealing with the issues for the past week and quite frankly, I just needed her to go straight to the top because my counterpart and I didn’t have the necessary influence to get this taken care of. Now it has a chance of being resolved.
- C just walked in with a bowl of chicken soup and a bagel and egg sandwich! I have conference calls back to back from noon to 4 P.M., so I don’t have time to make or get lunch, and he made lunch! He’s so thoughtful, and he cooks, and I adore him.
Music & Memories
In the process of reinstalling the OS on my creaky and cranky laptop, I’m going through my music collection. There has to be an easier way to do this than saving everything to an external hard drive, copying it back onto the reinstalled laptop, and creating playlists for each album. Syncing my iTouch to iTunes will also wipe the iTouch clean, I’m assuming, including contacts and notes. The process would be so much more convenient if it were possible to pull data off the iTouch and onto my laptop; is this possible, or does the data transfer only go from iTunes to iTouch? It’s a remarkably stupid way of running things, that and the inability to sync an Apple mp3 player to more than one computer without wiping its contents. My trusty, old, workhorse Zen Creative Jukebox might have been lacking in aesthetic appeal, but I could pull songs from the mp3 player to the laptop and vice versa, and it worked with any computer on which the Zen software had been installed.
But enough of my anti-iPod/-iTouch/-iTunes ranting! What I meant to write about was today’s trip down memory lane, courtesy of going through my mp3 collection. Certain albums and mixes remind me of certain places and times in my life, because I tend to listen to albums obsessively for a period of time, then discard it in favor of something else. Freezepop’s Fancy Ultra Fresh brings to mind hot summer days in Rome, black cobblestones, riding up the Gianicolo on the red 44 bus, Latin, and a crush on a classmate. The Killers’ Hot Fuzz reminds me of living in Boston, walking home late at night and talking with my best friend from high school, who was also commuting home at the same time, even though he was two hours behind me. And so it goes: certain sounds evoke memories of people and places–the interior of a bus, singing in a bar, hours alone in a dark room, the dim glow of red lights and the tang of developer and fixer. One memory triggers the next, forming a chain of reminiscences.
1
Starting anew with the things that made me happy today.
Things that made me happy today:
- I spent last night with the +1 at his apartment, then came back to the city today. He was out the door earlier than I was this morning, and so, before I left, I knotted up our ropes in a neat daisy chain and draped it over his pillow with a short note: A domani.
Coping Strategies
When engaged in annoying discussions related to privilege or systemic oppression of any kind, step back, take a deep breath, and cease to engage. Sometimes, it’s just not worth it, because there are some people who refuse to get it and are not arguing in good faith.
Caption:
off-screen person: “Are you coming to bed?”
person typing at computer: “I can’t. This is important.”
off-screen person: “What?”
person typing at computer: “Someone is wrong on the internet.”
That’s my new sign for “Quitting discussion because engagement is futile.”
Other coping strategies when filled with anger at the sheer awfulness of systemic oppression: think happy thoughts. Remember that there are people who are good, people who care. Remember that any, “I. Fucking. Hate. Men.” statement would be sufficiently riddled with exceptions as to remind oneself that one does not, in fact, hate men as a group, just the ones actively wielding their privilege (including the privilege of being ignorant and demanding spoon-feeding education).
Escorting at Clinics: 40 Days for “Life”
Via Bitch Ph.D.: Operation Rescue will be protesting women’s health clinics across the country from September 23 to November 1 for their self-proclaimed 40 Days for “Life.” What are the 40 Days for “Life”? Their website claims,
40 Days for Life is a community-based campaign that draws attention to the evil of abortion through the use of a three-point program:
* Prayer and fasting
* Constant vigil
* Community outreach40 Days for Life takes a determined, peaceful approach to showing local communities the consequences of abortion in their own neighborhoods, for their own friends and families. It puts into action a desire to cooperate with God in the carrying out of His plan for the end of abortion in America.
I am a clinic escort at Planned Parenthood and on top of the usual protesters that show up every Monday and Saturday, my clinic was already targeted for the 40 Days for “Life” earlier this year. I can tell you that the 40 Days for “Life” are less about peaceful Christian fellowship than about harassing, intimidating, and shaming girls and women for going to Planned Parenthood, whether it’s for their annual check up or for an abortion. The protesters at my clinic carry giant signs with pictures of what they claim are aborted fetuses (said pictures look like dismembered plastic dolls covered in kung pao chicken sauce, but that’s just my non-medical expert opinion), which are meant to horrify and scare women and girls. They yell at the top of their lungs that anyone who goes into Planned Parenthood will go to Hell. They hand out pamphlets proclaiming the lie that abortion causes breast cancer. They shout, “Adoption is a better option.” With the pictures, pamphlets, and physical intimidation, the protesters try to prevent girls and women from entering the clinic, so that they won’t receive the medical care that they have chosen and need. Additionally, after Scott Roeder murdered Dr. Tiller, when any person with a sense of compassion or two brain cells to rub together would have realized that clinic patients, workers and escorts would be feeling rattled and scared for their safety, the local protesters stepped up their harassment. In an email shortly after the murder, my clinic’s escort coordinator wrote,
Since the appalling murder of Dr. Tiller, our protesters decided to show up the Tuesday before last … And one staff member told us that because there were no escorts present they were fairly aggressive. We had escorts at this clinic this Tuesday and although one of our regular protesters drove by, he didn’t stop because we were there.
and in a later email,
I’m truly amazed at the right wing response to Dr. Tiller’s death – how outrageous can they be? I thought that our protesters would be kinder/gentler and its simply unbelievable that they’re getting more aggressive. I (mistakenly) thought that our protesters would behave.
In retrospect, I believe that the protesters stepped up their harassment because they knew that people would be frightened by the murder, and they wanted to capitalize on that. Hardly a Christian attitude.
ACTION ITEM: The 40 Days for “Life” are targeting clinics across the country. Their website has a list of the locations. Check to see if they’re protesting in your area, and if they are, contact the clinic to see if they could use your help. Search for volunteer opportunities at Planned Parenthood here.
The “peaceful” approach of the anti-choice protesters includes:
- Approaching girls and women and yelling, “You’re killing your baby! Murderer!”
- Approaching girls and women and attempting to step between them and the clinic entrance, while shoving pamphlets about adoption and lies about abortion at them.
- Approaching girls and women and yelling, “Do you know what they do in there? They kill babies! If you kill your baby, you will go to Hell!”
- Approaching girls and women and yelling, “Adoption is a better option!”
- Setting up a sidewalk altar near the clinic entrance with statues of Mary and Jesus. Kneeling in front of the altar and praying loudly.
- Standing near the clinic entrance in groups of three or more and loudly saying the rosary.
- Standing near the clinic entrance in groups of as many as six or more and yelling at the clinic escorts: “You will burn in the flames of hell! And when you have a baby, God will kill him because of your evil!”
- Setting up chairs and a stereo on the opposite side of the street and blasting anti-choice Christian music.
- Holding large signs with graphic images that purport to depict aborted fetuses.
- Repeatedly violating San Francisco’s bubble ordinance by approaching patients as they exit and enter the clinic.
Far from depiction of the small, lone teenager that protests the abortion clinic in Juno, the protesters at my local clinic range in number from three to more than fifteen, often arrive in shifts, range in age from teenage to elderly, are male and female, are vocal, are loud, are physically intimidating, and often gang up on clinic patients so that patients must physically shove through them to get to the clinic. Yes, they are ridiculous, but their intent is to intimidate any girl or woman who so much as passes by a Planned Parenthood.
If you can, please consider finding the time to help out your local clinic by volunteering as a clinic escort or in another capacity. Escorts present a welcoming face to patients and employees as they go in and out of the clinic; deter the protesters from escalating their intimidation and aggressiveness; and help patients avoid the protesters, inasmuch as it’s possible.
More reading: Think Progress on Operation Rescue and Roeder
Shakesville: Breaking the Silence: On Living Pro-Lifers’ Choice for Women – a guest post about giving a child up for adoption.
I Like You, Too
He said:
I like that you speak your mind.
I like that you’re passionate.
It’s easy to keep my shields up and say, “You’d better, because that’s not going to change,” but that would cheapen his comments and what they mean to me. How many times have my nearest and dearest told me that I care too much, that I’m too strident, that I’m too serious and humorless, that I’m too political, that I read too much into things, that I shouldn’t speak up or speak out so much, that I should let homophobia or sexism or transphobia or racism or classism pass unchecked in order to keep the social peace? How many times have my nearest and dearest muttered, “It was just a joke,” or repeated themselves and said, “but it’s true! Black people are thieves/Muslims are lazy/Transpeople are freaks/Midwesterners are ignorant, gun-toting, Bible-thumping crazies!”* after my jaw dropped and I said, “That’s not true?”
Ask me why family-and-friends get-togethers make me anxious. Ask me why I dislike seeing specific family friends. My worries are always thus: What sexist thing will Uncle X say this time? Will Church Friends talk about Prop. 8 and the “sanctity of marriage?” Will Family Friend A rant about “crazy men who want to be women?” And will I speak up, knowing that my mother will yell at me for being too strident, too political, too rude (too feminist, too queer, too anti-transphobia)? Or will I silently hunker down, sink into my seat, and feel sick and a failure besides?
How many people have said, “I’m sorry for saying a sexist thing, please keep calling me on it and please help me, because I don’t know any better?”
Twice. And that’s good. It’s better than being dismissed or berated, but it’s tiring, too, and sometimes, I wish that those two folks would just know better, or at least remember that we’ve already had that exact same conversation about calling women hags or calling things lame and retarded.
How many people have said, “I like that you’re passionate,” after I ranted about Clinton and sexist double standards in the media?
How many people have said, “I like that you speak your mind,” after I politely called out a friend’s characterization of things as “white trash?”
One. When I chose not to smile and ignore classist and sexist comments at a dinner with friends, the +1 didn’t cringe, didn’t shut me down, and didn’t make excuses for my “poor” behavior (e.g. “oh, she’s a feminist/too PC/etc., you know, don’t mind her!”). That already put him a step ahead of my parents and some longtime friends.
And then, he said that he liked me for speaking my mind. No one’s ever said that before. I’m not an embarrassment to him–he doesn’t like me despite my feminist baggage. He sees that the baggage is inescapably a part of me–and he likes that. I didn’t think I’d ever find someone like that, let alone someone whom I liked who liked me in return. And we met at random. And he’s lovely.
I am so lucky.
I like you, too.
*All real conversations at family-and-friends get-togethers.
Feminism: Concrete Policy Suggestions
[Trigger warnings for the post, especially for the links about the Congo and rape.]
Ben and I recently had a conversation about feminism:
Ben: if i were to levy one criticism
Ben: at the feminist movement
Ben: its that i dont hear very many
Ben: concrete policy suggestions
PD: …
Ben: (not that its their responsibility)
PD: sriously?
Before anyone hops over to his blog to bite his head off, (1) Ben is not a troll; (2) he was commenting in good faith; (3) I think this speaks to our society’s general lack of understanding of the political work of feminism. BitchPhD recently posted on the many ways in which she and her family benefits from the works of the government; many of those benefits are invisible in that they’re taken for granted and assumed to be the Way Things Are, as if they’d magically, effortlessly sprung into existence years ago. The political work of feminists (who are by no means a monolithic movement) similarly blends into the landscape, if you’re not actively looking for it and considering, “Gee, why is it that my girlfriend can get birth control every month?” Another factor is that for as much as feminists do, a good portion of their political activism is necessarily about working to prevent sexist laws and policies. When they succeed, few people take notice, because in such cases, success means that the status quo remains the same.
So, here are some ways that I see the effects of feminists’ concrete, political work in my everyday life.
When I wake up in the morning, I wake up in my own apartment. That’s because I’m allowed to sign the lease in my own name, even though I’m a woman. In fact, if I had the money and the desire, I could even have a house with the deed in my own name, because women are allowed to own property these days. I pay for the apartment with rent checks that I write myself from my own bank account, because women can have bank accounts that aren’t in the names of their fathers or husbands. I pay for the rent with a high-paying job that I got because I went to a good university. I was able to go to that good university because it went co-ed in 1969, not without a determined effort on the part of feminists to open up higher education to women.
After I wake up, the +1 and I have sex. If the condom were to break, I could go to the nearest pharmacy and get emergency contraception over the counter, because the FDA approved over-the-counter use of emergency contraception in 2006, not without a determined effort on the part of feminists, both everyday people and political officials:
“We urge the FDA to revisit placing age restrictions on the sale of Plan B,” said Sens. Hillary Rodham Clinton (D-N.Y.) and Patty Murray (D-Wash.). But because the decision represents “real progress” and an “important step in restoring the American people’s faith in the FDA,” the senators said, they were lifting a hold they had imposed on von Eschenbach’s confirmation as FDA commissioner.
In California, I can walk into any pharmacy for that Plan B because California doesn’t allow pharmacists to refuse to provide medications that go against their religious beliefs. The lack of a so-called “conscience clause” at the state level (although the HHS rule change threatens this) is due to the political work of NOW, Planned Parenthood, and the hundreds of everyday feminists who staff, donate to, and volunteer for those organizations, as well as the everyday feminists who contacted their public officials on these matters and asked them to support a woman’s right to decide her reproductive future.
If I were a minor and the +1 and I had accidentally created a fetus, I would be able to go to a Planned Parenthood and get an abortion without needing to get my parents’ permission, because feminists campaigned against Prop. 4 in last year’s election. The campaign involved websites, online ads, TV ads, mailers, op-eds, and thousands of person-hours’ worth of phone banking, building coalitions with local political groups, knocking on doors, canvassing for volunteers, and talking to people. The preservation of a teenage girl’s ability to get an abortion required the investment of millions of dollars and thousands of hours of work–but from this side of the election, it’s concrete policy work that’s invisible, because it was about maintaining the status quo rather than enacting a new policy. It was necessary nonetheless, because misogynistic, anti-choice activists are constantly campaigning to repeal all the progress that feminists and their allies have made. Prop. 4 was the third time in four years that anti-choicers tried to pass a referendum requiring parental notification/consent.
If the +1 and I were married and accidentally created a fetus and Plan B didn’t work, I could get an abortion without his permission, because in 1992, Planned Parenthood v. Casey ruled husband notification laws unconstitutional. However, in the unlikely circumstance that I wanted the pregnancy, but ended up needing a late-term abortion, the Partial-Birth Abortion Ban Act, Gonzales v. Carhart and the lack of abortion providers (due in no small part to the active harassment of such doctors) would make it difficult to obtain. Incidentally, part of Justice Kennedy’s reasoning in Gonzales boiled down to an argument that women are not sufficiently mentally competent to make decisions for themselves about partial-birth abortions, and so in order to protect them from the regret they may feel after the fact, the state ought to ban partial-birth abortions. This was in 2007; the idea that women intelligent human beings fully capable of making decisions and living with the consequences has by no means permeated the three branches of our government.
After the +1 and I get out of bed, I dress for work. Usually, I wear pants, even though I work in a conservative field. This is because if my company’s dress code explicitly required women to wear hose, heels, skirts, and makeup, there are laws that would allow me to sue them for imposing rules that unfairly place a material burden on women (hose, heels, skirts, and makeup have a cost in time, money, and physical health) based solely on gender stereotypes rather than the requirements of the job. These laws didn’t spring up out of nowhere, either. Then, I go to the office.
At work, I hold a job other than that of administrative assistant. All of our administrative assistants are women, but there are also women who are principals and managing directors and analysts. This is because Title VII of the Civil Rights Act prohibits discrimination based on a number of protected traits, including sex. In other words, my employer can’t hire women solely for the lower-paying jobs. Speaking of pay, the male analysts and I made the same starting salary, doing the same work with the same qualifications. This is because of the Equal Pay Act of 1963. However, if I were to find out that the male analysts made more than I did for doing the same work, I could bring an equal pay lawsuit. I could sue the company even if I found out about the pay discrimination more than 180 days after it had begun, because the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act of 2009 amended the statute of limitations in Title VII. Incidentally, feminists are still working on the equal pay issue, and then-Sen. Hillary Clinton and Rep. Rosa DeLauro introduced the Paycheck Fairness Act in the House and Senate this past January. That’s awfully recent, and you can’t get much more concrete than a proposed law.
When I check my email, there’s an action alert from Planned Parenthood, who want me to call the governor’s office and my state senator and representative, asking them to repeal the budget cuts for family planning services, which “provides essential health care to millions of women including breast and cervical cancer screenings, contraception and preventive care.” Planned Parenthood also organizes trips to the state capitol on lobbying days so that they can speak with public officials and ask them to support policies for women’s health care and reproductive rights.
Change.org has an email asking me to support Senator Barbara Boxer’s Afghan Women Empowerment Act, which “would provide critical resources for Afghan women for literacy education, technical and vocational training and health care services that would reduce maternal and infant mortality. The bill will also fund programs to protect women and girls against sexual and physical abuse, abduction, trafficking, exploitation, and includes emergency shelters for women and girls who face danger from violence.”
Speaking of feminists and foreign policy, feminists have consistently been advocating both offline and online to raise awareness of the brutal rape epidemic against women in the Congo and urging people to take political and economic action. Clinton pledged to address the rape epidemic as part of U.S. foreign policy in her confirmation hearings and recently pledged $17M to fight sexual violence in the Congo.
Other action alert-type emails in my inbox pertain to the Employment Non-Discrimination Act (ENDA), which would make it illegal to fire, refuse to hire, or refuse to promote employees simply based on sexual orientation or gender identity; overturning the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA); and overturning Don’t Ask Don’t Tell (DADT). All of these are feminist issues; they affect women and are based on confining everyone to patriarchal, heteronormative gender roles.
I work late and end up walking home after nightfall. I know the rape statistics: strangers are less likely to assault me than men I’m already acquainted with. However, when I hear footsteps behind me that match my pace, even when I speed up, I can’t help but think about how as a woman of color, if a man raped me, I couldn’t necessarily trust the police to help me. Even if they did, I might have trouble getting a rape kit. The hospital might bill my insurance provider, opening up a whole new bucket of worms, or they might require me to file a police report within a certain period, or they might require the police to verify that they’re investigating the case (which doesn’t always happen). Assuming that everything went smoothly at the hospital, that’s still no guarantee that the rape kit would ever be processed before the statute of limitations passed. These problems–rape, police brutality, indifferent or rape apologist prosecutors, rape kit billing problems–are all issues that feminists are addressing.
On the way home, a man asks if I’m Chinese, gorgeous. Another man blocks the sidewalk so that I can’t move around him, shoves his face so close that he’s breathing on me, leers, and says, “Mmm.” This is street harassment. Feminists are working to combat street harassment at the grassroots level; police officers aren’t always reliable.
Eventually, I make it home. If it isn’t clear by now, the political impacts and political issues of feminists are woven inextricably into the fabric of our daily lives.
21-27
Things that made me happy last Saturday: Oh, so many. Last Saturday was basically unbridled awesome, aside from the street harassment and the creepy taxi driver.
- Picked up green walnuts from the farmers market and made nocino.
- Went to the Alemany Farmers Market with W and went to Rainbow afterward, and sniffed many, many jars of herbs and spices to see what we could use for pickling. It was so much fun to throw around ideas for spice combinations.
- Many hours of pickling and experimenting with food!
L to R: Pickled jalapenos, pickled jalapenos and carrots, pickled watermelon daikon, pickled strawberries.
Things that made me happy on Sunday:
- Went to the Renegade Craft Fair (Apt Therapy) with S. So much cute and interesting stuff there, from pillows to stuffed organs to shirts to hilarious birthday cards. Lots of vintage and repurposed items. There was a stand with vinyl belts that I really liked.
- At the craft there, there was a tshirt of one of the loading cranes from Oakland’s port with a thought bubble coming out of its head and a picture of an AT-AT
- Came up with an awesome way to pack wine glasses: pad them in bras! The goblet’s bowl fits perfectly in a bra cup, and it’s cheaper than shelling out for special cardboard dividers.
Wine glasses, filled with socks and trapped in tshirts and bras!
Things that made me happy on Monday:
- Novembersnow was in town for Azkatraz, and we met up for dinner and popped down to the Mission for drinks (if only we could have Apparated! That would have been even better!). November is awesome and lovely and it was fantastic meeting her after all these years – I think we first met online back in 2002 or 2003. We talked about DanRad (who is awesome) in Equus and in HP6, Tom Felton and how awesome and leggy he looked in his black suit in HP6 (and that briefcase!), NY, living in cities, public transit, online friendships, and explaining online friends to people who are suspicious of people who make friends online (e.g. our parents), and in all, had a fantastic time.
Things that made me happy on Tuesday:
- Squared away everything related to the move: movers, permits, lease, keys. A load off of my mind.
- Called my dad and had a nice conversation with him about rock climbing, the dogs, etc.
- Baked a blueberry tart for the +1.
- Did laundry – clean sheets, warm towels straight from the dryer, clean underwear and socks, the works. My last time doing laundry at my current apartment!
Things that made me happy on Wednesday:
- I’ve been sick with a cold since Monday. On Wednesday, I beat the headache and wooziness into submission with ibuprofen. Ibuprofen is amazing! I didn’t know it worked on that kind of headache! It was great being able to walk, sit down, stand up, and turn my head without feeling like I was going to fall over.
- TOS Kirk/Spock vid to “Hot and Cold”. The song is inane (“you change your mind / like a girl changes clothes”? In my world, Katy Perry, girls AND boys change their clothes, and girls AND boys can be indecisive about what they want to wear.) but the vid is hilarious! “You’re hot” (Kirk and Spock stare deep into each other’s eyes) “and you’re cold” (cut to Kirk making out with a lady while Spock looks distraught).
- Rereading old Minimalist “101 Simple Meals” columns: … for a picnic, … for a hot summer day. I read the latter article back when I was working in Boston, and had a printout of the copy marked up with the things I wanted to try.
- :) :) :) The +1 came back. :) :) :)
- Office Depot was selling packs of 10 boxes for $14.99, and the packs were buy 2, get 1 free! I could have gotten 30 boxes! 30! for $30! I only got 10 boxes, since that’s (hopefully) more than enough to cover everything I have left to pack, but I would have had 30 boxes! And 10 boxes! That’s quite a lot.
- Slept from 9 P.M. to 7:30 the next morning. Fell asleep after cuddling, woke up around midnight, and went back to sleep. I think I ran a fever, but woke up the next morning feeling that I’d gotten through the worst of this cold.
Things that made me happy yesterday:
- Waking up with the +1. Why, hello there, sweetie!
- Come to think of it, it hasn’t taken any time to readjust to sleeping with someone again. This is nice, because when we first started spending the night together, I had a hard time sleeping through the night.
- WHEN HE WAS IN TIKAL DURING HIS VACATION, HE AND HIS FRIEND REENACTED THE SEQUENCE FROM STAR WARS IV WHERE A REBEL SCOUT LOOKS OUT OVER THE TREES OF YAVIN 4 AND MADE A VIDEO OF IT FOR ME!!!!!!!
- Made strawberry syrup to go over ice cream: macerate strawberries with sugar, then heat butter and sugar in a saucepan. Slice up the strawberries and add them and their juices to the pan, along with kirsch (optional) and a pinch of salt. Stir over medium heat to keep it from sticking to the pan and burning, and mash it up until it’s as thick as you want it to be and has turned a deep red. Toss in a pinch of curry powder and cook a little longer. Pour over ice cream.
- Skipped a concert (tickets were comp’d, anyway) to spend time with the +1. In all, it was the better choice.
Things that made me happy today:
- Take a Chance On Me TOS K/S vid (via bentseng. 3 great things: ABBA, Spock, and Kirk/Spock. The clip ends with the backrub that launched the ship to end all ships!
- I ate an Altoid, and it cleared up my stuffy, runny nose. Curiously Strong Mints indeed!
Harassment Log #1
Trigger warning: street harassment.
Following the advice of Atul Gawande, I am going to count something. Specifically, the number of times someone harasses me. Why? Because it interests me. After a while, the hollering, the objectification, and the slurs blend into a cloud of background noise, and I don’t like that. I want to know exactly how many times it happens, so I can know exactly what the price is for wanting to go about my life while female.
May 2009: (1 Mission) Too long ago to remember; the one that stands out most vividly for the creepiness and the fear I felt is one incident on a Saturday night, when I was walking to meet some friends at a club and a man walking down the sidewalk in the opposite direction passed me, turned around, and followed me for half the block until I reached a busier street.
May 24, 2009: 2 Homophobic & racist slurs. (2 Mission)
July 17, 2009: 4 (2 Mission, 1 Embarcadero, 1 cab)
- 1 “Hey gorgeous” comment yelled at me on the way to BART. (Mission)
- 1 “Hey young lady” comment yelled at me on the way to BART. (Mission)
- 1 “You look nice” comment muttered in my face as the man brushed past me on the way to BART. (Embarcadero)
- Hit on by creepy taxi driver at 1 A.M., who missed the turns for my street, which freaked me out (see here for why. Trigger warning for the link.). After that, I had him drop me off at a bar rather than my apartment building.
I am not going to get into why “Hey, gorgeous!” is not a flattering compliment and is still, in fact, harassment. I am not going to argue with you about how the men yelling, “Hey, young ladies!” at my friends and me are innocently saying hi. Honestly, I don’t have the patience to put up with that bullshit, so if you need those 101 lessons:
(1) Read this.
(2) Read this.
(3) Ask yourself how many times those comments are yelled at women and girls vs. how many times they’re yelled at men and boys. The disparity suggests that there are certain bodies that are considered available for public consumption, judging, and commenting, and certain bodies that are not.
For more on my experiences with street harassment: tag.
Stop Street Harassment’s blog.
*ahem*
Bentseng is not merely an acquaintance, but a capital-f Friend.
He remains, however, a dork. :D
18-20
MILD SPOILERS FOR THE STAR TREK MOVIE. Things that made me happy on Wednesday:
- I did laundry! Clean, warm bedsheets are a sensual delight.
- I’M ON A SHIP! (autoplay music) I ran across it again for the first time in a while, and it’s every bit as hilarious and awesome as it was the first time I saw it. It’s a picspam Star Trek reboot parody of “I’m On A Boat.” My favorite bits:
I’M ON A SHIP!
I’M ON A SHIP MOTHERFUCKER TAKE A LOOKY HERE
STRAIGHT FLYIN THRU SPACE THE FINAL FRONTIERFUCK CANON, THIS IS ALTERNATE REALITY MOTHERFUCKER — I almost died at the line “An alternate reality” in the movie. The sound you heard was the exploding heads of thousands of fan geeks.
WELL THIS AIN’T STAR WARS, THIS IS AS TREK AS IT GETS — OMGDEDOFAWESOME
I’M ON A SHIP!
Things that made me happy on Thursday:
- W came over for dinner, which is always fun, and I made pattypan squash risotto. Pattypan squash are a revelation! I’ve never liked zucchini or anything in their family, but the whimsical flying saucer shape and the bright green and yellow coloring got me to give the pattypan a go, and they are delicious! I roasted them and folded them into the risotto, and they practically melted in my mouth.
Things that made me happy today:
- David Lebovitz posted a recipe for nocino earlier this week, and I called Alfieri farms, a local nut farm, yesterday on the off chance that green walnuts were still in season. They called back this morning while I was on my way to work and said that green walnuts were indeed in season, and they would pick some for me to pick up at the farmers market tomorrow. Score for (1) getting to know your vendors; (2) awesome farmers; (3) nocino. W and I are going to go on a Little House On the Prairie-style DIY homebrew/pickling spree tomorrow, except with more booze and jalapenos than LHOTP.
- Getting my rant on for the first time in a while.
- I’ve been struggling to manage my finances for the past few months, and have finally started getting better at it. It’s not a lot of fun, but the self-discipline it requires is good for me. I’ve brought lunch to work every day this month and it’s been two weeks since I last ate out! A small but meaningful milestone.
- The countdown until the +1 returns is under the one-week mark now. Only five days!
11-17
Things that made me happy on Wednesday:
- Dropped off my security deposit for my apartment. The final walk through, lease, and move in remain, but the place is mine! Cue a huge sigh of relief from me.
- Grocery shopping: Wednesday is 20% off coupon day at Rainbow, and I love going there and buying things in bulk. There’s something satisfying about getting just as many bay leaves as you need and hauling your own flour bin to the store to fill it up. I like looking at the shelves upon shelves of herbs and spices, which you can open up and sniff to check their freshness. It’s environmentally friendly, too, because buying things in bulk cuts down on product packaging.
Things that made me happy on Thursday:
- Fried chicken competition at Omnivore Books on Food in Noe Valley. Reasons it was awesome: 1. Hung out with Sophia for probably the first time in a month. 2. Fried chicken! 3. I love browsing at Omnivore, which features “new, antiquarian, and collectible books on food and drink.”
The winner of the fried chicken competition was skinless, boneless chicken breast cut into tenders, dredged in flour (and probably buttermilk), and deep fried in duck fat with sprigs of rosemary. None of the other entries were great, but it was fun trying them all and hanging out with a bunch of people in a cute neighborhood shop on a sunny afternoon.
I’ve had fried chicken on my mind for the last few months, after having it at Maverick and Foreign Cinema (Maverick is good but FC’s is hands down the best I’ve ever had). For Pride, I made fried chicken according to Ruth Reichl’s recipe in Tender at the Bone, which calls for soaking the chicken in buttermilk with sliced onions overnight. It was fine but not to my taste; I’m enamored of FC’s chicken and I think that they brine the chicken with various curry herbs and put curry powder in the batter. There are so many variables to consider in making the perfect fried chicken: dredge in flour or bread crumbs? Buttermilk or eggs? Alas, meat is expensive and deep frying takes a lot of effort and creates a mess. On the plus side, brining can hide many sins in meat quality, so I could skip the free range chicken and go for something cheaper if I ever get around to experimenting with fried chicken.
Things that made me happy on Friday:
- Took the train to my parents’ house and went to dinner with them and my sibling, who recently returned from a trip overseas.
- The +1 called. It was nice to hear his voice, which is distinctive. Everyone’s voice is unique, but his caught my ear from the very beginning. Its timbre is interesting, a little rough and gravelly at a higher pitch than usual for gravelly voices.
- Saw the dogs!
Things that made me happy on Saturday:
- Had a big party at my parents’ house, and saw some old friends there. Great food, too.
Things that made me happy on Sunday:
- Went to Sophia’s birthday party and caught up with some old acquaintances and met new ones. Learned about the FDA’s risk assessment requirements for drugs and medical devices, which was quite interesting.
Things that made me happy yesterday:
- Picked up my black loafers from the cobblers. I love these loafers and had worn them so much that the insoles were destroyed, the soles were worn flat, and there was a tiny hole in the leather. The cobbler fixed all of that and now I can traipse around SF in comfort! At the rate of 1 repair/year, they’ll be good for another 6 years before the cost of repairs matches the original cost of the shoes. Hopefully, they’ll last that long.
- Hark! A Vagrant: Dude Watchin’ With the Brontes reminds me of an old post of sarahtales‘:
This book reminded me of a dreadful TV show about Romantic Heroes, in which the opinion was expressed that every woman wanted to marry Heathcliff, Mr Rochester or Mr Darcy.
I took offence, both for myself and for my beloved Mr Darcy. I mean, can you imagine them all in a room together?
TV PRESENTER: Boys, would you like to talk about your interest and hobbies?
ROCHESTER: Well, there’s the compulsive lying. And then there’s the cross-dressing. [Er, there's nothing wrong with cross-dressing.]
HEATHCLIFF: I enjoy long romantic walks on the moors-
TV PRESENTER: Oh, that’s nice!
HEATHCLIFF: And then I like to round off the day by hanging a puppy.
DARCY: …
TV PRESENTER: So, do any of you have a special lady?
ROCHESTER: Well, I may have gotten the syph from my score of mistresses. And I have this illegitimate kid. And I do have a wife, but she’s crazy and in the care of a drunk, so that won’t stick.
HEATHCLIFF: Oh snap, I have a wife too! I beat her.
DARCY: I am as yet unmarried, madam.
TV PRESENTER: Thank God for that… So, uh, what would you consider your greatest, uh, fault?
ROCHESTER: Some narrow-minded fools frown on tricking defenceless girls into bigamy.
HEATHCLIFF: So I practise incestuous necrophilia. Don’t be a hater.
DARCY: Sometimes I’m a little judgemental. And aloof at parties.
TV PRESENTER: *hides behind Mr Darcy*Not that Heathcliff and Rochester aren’t fabulous characters. But there are cases in which ‘Watch out, ladies, this one can’t be tamed!’ should contain the explanatory note: ‘Because this one’s rabid.’
Things that made me happy today:
- I put down the window shades last night, so I was able to sleep without being baked and blinded by the sun this morning. (I live in the Mission. The sun is so strong here that it’s hard to see in the morning when the light comes in straight through my many windows, and my plants need to be watered every other day or they shrivel up.)
- Making a pasta al forno tonight with fresh mozzarella!
- Salsa class tonight! Dancing is fun and I always feel better after class.
10
Things that made me happy yesterday:
- W came over for dinner. We finished up the sweet potato agnolotti I made in February, when I was still living at my old apartment. I made the sage creme fraiche sauce with sage from my sage plant! Using fresh herbs that I’ve grown myself makes me happy — I feel more connected to the food somehow.
For dessert, I made shortbread, heated some blueberries, and served them with lemon pastry cream on the side. Throwing together plated desserts on a whim and with ease makes me happy, too — reading Demolition Desserts at the gym must be paying off!
Things that made me happy today:
-
An upside down picture of a cow, hills, and cloud-studded sky, with the text, "We married fudge, ice cream & brownies. Don't worry, it's legal in Vermont."
A Ben & Jerry’s ad in the BART station. It’s cheeky and funny and the bright colors and rounded, bouncy graphics lift my mood. I’m not much for ice cream, (more interested in making it than in eating it) but if I were, the amusement factor would get me to buy B&J.
I miss the +1. If all goes well, I’ll sign a lease at a new apartment tomorrow and set a firm move in date close to the end of the month. For the time being, though, I feel like I’m in limbo, waiting to move, waiting for the +1 to come home. My days are full and my planner has something penciled into it every day from last Friday to next Sunday, and still, I miss him.
6-9
Things that made me happy on Friday:
- AP was in town! We went for happy hour drinks at Cigar Bar and then went to dinner at La Mei Zi. Sadly, I was dizzy and sick; threw up at the bar; bailed in the middle of dinner; and upon arriving home, promptly ran for the bathroom and threw up everything I’d eaten that day. I am nothing if not thorough. However, when AP came to pick up her stuff from my apartment, she brought me leftovers of the fish from dinner! That was sweet of her.
- Having the day off and sleeping in until 10:30 A.M.
Things that made me happy on Saturday:
- Saw an absolutely gorgeous apartment in the morning. It literally took my breath away when I walked in!
- Got a gallon-sized ziplock of blueberries at the farmers market for $10! Having spent May making a succession of rhubarb tarts, I wanted to branch out into other summer fruit baking:
PD: How many cartons would I need for a pie? [little cartons are $2/ea]
Blueberry Seller: 6-7
PD: O_o
Blueberry Seller: {hauls out gallon-size ziplock of blueberries} Or, this is $10! You could probably make two pies with it.
PD: I’ll take it!The ziplock was full of reject blueberries: the overripe, the underripe, the squashed, the bestemmed. I wouldn’t use them for a dessert in which their natural flavor is the star, but they’re fine for boiling with sugar, lemon juice, and lemon zest, and putting into a tart.
- Went to a barbecue with some old high school acquaintances. It was fun seeing them again and it was nice to know that I could hang out with people I didn’t know well without being awkward. We had views of fireworks all over the East Bay.
- The +1 called from Guatemala. I missed the call, but he left a message, and it was nice to hear his voice.
- Sibling came home from vacation. Picked him up from the airport (where ‘picked up’ means ‘BARTed to SFO’ and ‘cabbed home’), fed him, and heard all about his adventures in Germany.
Things that made me happy on Sunday:
- Sibling finished off the batch of dumplings I made in April. I was afraid they’d linger in my freezer forever! Now, I have room in the freezer for the chicken and beef stock I made this weekend.
- Made the lemon cream from the Tartine cookbook, and filled a blueberry tart with it.
- Went to another barbecue at Sahiya’s neighbors’ place, and had fun relaxing and hanging out with them. The white barbecues I’ve been to are very different from my parents’ barbecues, in terms of the food.
- Made basmati rice according to the recipe in Madhur Jaffrey’s book on Indian cooking, and it turned out well! It’s the first time I’ve made palatable basmati rice.
Things that made me happy today:
- After debating between two apartments for the entire weekend, I went to sign the lease on the first one I’d seen and liked, only to find out that I preferred the apartment I’d seen on Saturday. This is a happy item, though–I made up my mind to take the Saturday apartment, and I’m dropping off an application tomorrow. Cross your fingers for me! The place is simply gorgeous and literally took my breath away when I saw it. I can’t believe it’s still on the market, let alone for what the landlord’s asking for it.
- Woke up early this morning to cook lentils for lunch. They were tasty, if not mouth-wateringly delicious, and it’s enough to be going on with. I want to replicate the awesome lentil curry that Shalimar serves, which I would happily eat for lunch for a week straight.
4-5
Things that made me happy yesterday:
- I gave notice at my current abode. When I got off the phone with the roommate whose name is actually on the lease, I felt free and light, as if I could fly. For reasons why I am feeling this way, see here
- I saw an apartment that I liked a great deal and not 15 minutes after I’d filled out an application and left, the landlord called and said that I could have the place. Cue some dithering about whether I really did like the place, whether Alamo Square would be a better place to live than Nob Hill, how much not having laundry in the building really mattered, etc. But in the main, I was excited. The kitchen’s adorable, all my furniture can fit in the apartment comfortably (minus the bed frame, which I want to dispose of anyway)
- Walking from an open house in Hayes Valley to an open house in Alamo Square, I saw this sign:
A street sign for Friendship Ct.
- The wonders of modern technology: the +1 called me using the Skype app on his iTouch, which was picking up a wireless signal from the bus he was riding to the airport. When I answered the Skype call, I found out that my laptop had a built-in microphone, and basically talked at my laptop while lying in bed. I remember when AIM first integrated voice chat, back in 2000 or 2001: LN and I were chatting over AIM, my laptop was plugged into a 56k dial up connection, and LN had to stick an actual microphone into her computer. I didn’t have a mike with the right size jack for my laptop, so she talked and I IMed back. I didn’t have a cell phone back then, and the reception at my house was terrible, too. We’ve come a long way since then!
Things that made me happy today:
- Realizing that I’m moving and that I’m done with apartment hunting. And I only had to see six places, too. SCORE.
- The +1 is flying back to SF in a few weeks, and I’ve been thinking about taking the afternoon off from work to meet him at the airport. Speaking as someone who’s flown a lot; is rarely met at the airport; and is usually a little envious of the happy reunions between family and friends at the arrivals terminal, I thought it would be nice to say, “Welcome back,” at SFO instead of giving him my new address and telling him to ring the buzzer when he gets there. AP is revolted by such schmoopy sentimentality, so I upped the ante:
PD: so i was thinking when [the +1] gets into SFO
PD: i should bring flowers, right?
PD: bc that’s what people do when they meet their significant other after time apart, right?
AP: I’m going to stop talking to you now,
AP: As I am eating with sandy
AP: And you are making me puke
PD: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA - Sleeping for eight hours and feeling rested when I woke up this morning.
- I got a new kind of granola for my morning yogurt, and it’s crunchy, nutty, and subtly honey-sweet.
1-3
Things that made me happy on Sunday:
- The Pride parade: there were so many fantastic people in the parade, from new, local grassroots groups to more established organizations. Many of the local politicians were there, including my district supervisor, and I had fun seeing which politicians were marching with which groups (e.g. Mirkarimi, one of the most progressive members of the Board of Supervisors, had the Green Party in his entourage). I had a blast watching the floats and dancing on the sidewalk. Dykes on Bikes (and motorini) kicked ass.
- SH’s beaded necklace, which looks like Mardi Gras beads, but the beads are heart-shaped! WK’s beaded necklace, from the Chipotle Pride contingent, was red and had a shiny red chili pepper on it!
- Going to Baker Beach with SH and WK and napping in the sun without getting sunburned.
- When the +1 and I were talking about my search for a new apartment, he said, “i’m excited for loud sex.” A person after my own heart! Moreover, the sex we have is good: we delight in each other. It isn’t something that is done to me or that I do to him.
Things that made me happy yesterday:
- AP, who is broke, and I, who am struggling to balance finances, were arguing about going out for dinner when she visits next weekend.
AP: clubbing/drinking heavily on friday
PD: have fun!
AP: um with YOU dumbass
AP: shalimaaaaaaaaaar? la mei zi?????????
PD: $$$$$$$$$$$$?
AP: oh *blinks *
PD: HEY, YOU TOO! $$$!!!!
AP: :(
PD: what is this ‘i have credit card debt’ ‘let’s go out’?!
AP: dude this is one a month!
AP: FINE let’s fucking buy a bottle of vodka from costco and drink it at your house!That last line cracks me up every time I look at it. It’s a ridiculous picture–we’re not going to sit around getting trashed in my crappy apartment when she comes to SF–but at the same time, it’s sincere: we’ll have fun hanging out together, because what matters is spending time being ridiculous together, whether it’s eating stinky tofu and ChiCKEN wInGS in FLaMIng hOt OiL!! at la mei zi or eating Indian take out straight from the carton and drinking gin straight from the bottle in her half-packed apartment.
- Reading Home-Made Beverages, an anonymous book by A Practical Brewer, published in 1919. It has recipes for beer, cordial, liqueur, and many alcoholic liquids. I especially liked the step by step directions for brewing beer.
Things that made me happy today:
- Reading Elizabeth Falkner’s Demolition Desserts while running at the gym. Running at the gym is good because exercise helps my mood, sleeping patterns, and overall fitness. Reading DD is good because it stays open by itself on the treadmill and Falkner’s approach to desserts is intriguing. It’s a dessert cookbook that’s as well written as my favorite savory cookbooks, and that’s rare. Good savory cookbooks are easy to find but good dessert cookbooks are much thinner on the ground.
- Writing this post and smiling at the good times I’ve had in the past few days with my friends.
Bordelaise Sauce
I want to make it. It’s like coming home, the way going home never was. It’s like looking up at the sky in Piazza di San Callisto and realizing that I’m back home, back where I belong. I breathed in deeply and when I exhaled, it felt like I was shaking off all my stress and narrow bindings and finally, finally expanding to wholly fit in my skin. It’s comfort and freedom and finding out that Rome was only ever a plane flight away. It’s peace of mind. It’s complex tastes, hours of labor, and the soothing routine of mincing shallots. It’s narrowing my focus down to the edge of my blade, the familiar feel of the knife in my hand and the familiar sight of the cutting board I’ve had for years.
It’s a mouthful that widened my eyes at an inspiring, provocative meal. It’s a dance of delicate tastes that I wished would go on forever. The day it’s made, all the notes are clear and distinct but somehow create a sum greater than the parts. The day after, the flavors have melded into something less sparkling clear but smoother and more relaxed.
I want to roll up and cuddle in it like a blanket. I want to make it. I want to simmer red wine with shallots, carrots, mushrooms, parsley, thyme, garlic, and a bay leaf, then pour in veal stock and peppercorns and reduce it. I want to spoon it over a double-cut rib steak, seasoned, seared, basted, and roasted.
How can something I’ve had only four times and made only three be home? It’s unreasonable. And yet, the first mouthful was a revelation and a homecoming all at once. This is a world you never imagined. This is where you belong.
I have a profound desire to make bordelaise sauce. I have one container of veal stock left and had been planning to make the full on boeuf bordelaise meal for C, my +1, but I might not wait.
